Can't sleep.

I can hear Ian lightly snoring in the bedroom, which means I have about half an hour or so to myself and to writing.
I often read books or watch films/tv shows where the partners end up being so sick or annoyed by the other one and then I find myself in that same situation as the character - wondering how I ended up here or why he does or says certain things..or in most cases, says nothing.
I have had a number of unsuccessful relationships, as well as a number of unsuccessful pursuits. I keep thinking about that small survey I did yesterday and every now and then, I think about how different my life would have been if certain things had changed or worked out for me in one way or another. I'll never know why I wasn't good enough and it's such a shame that I will wonder about it for the rest of my life.
I never thought I'd be here. Living with someone. I'm 24 years old and I will probably end up spending the rest of my life with Ian. Sometimes it's something that I'm happy about and other times, not so much and I'm sure he feels the same way. There are many times when he chooses not to say anything to me and then I have no other choice but to read his tweets to see what kind of mood he's in, which when we get right down to it is absolute nonsense.
Sometimes I feel like with each passing moment, Ian makes the choice not to say things to me. With more and more time, he becomes more and more quiet. And I feel completely helpless. I want to help. I want to know what's bothering him. I want to know what he's happy or excited about. I want to know why he's stressed out. I want to know why he's annoyed.
But the majority of the time, I get nothing. And attempts at getting him to talk about his feelings are similar to trying to pull teeth with a pair of tweezers.
It's too late for me to leave. We have both invested too much in this relationship. And I don't always want to leave. Sometimes I think we'd be better off without each other and other times I think about the moments in life when he's not there, wishing that he was.
I wish he was more supportive and talkative. I wish that if we were at a birthday party for a 10 year old, he could say to me "I feel awful. Can we go home?" Instead of nodding slowly as if I'm speaking a foreign language when I ask him if he's ready to go home..like he's the child and I'm the parent.
I wish that he would tell me he WANTS to go somewhere or WANTS to be there for me instead of "I'll go because I know it's important to you." I never hear "I WANT to do this for you." I often feel like I get no support from him, in that respect.
My family doesn't understand me and probably never will. I'm extremely socially awkward and they have no interest in trying to figure out why or trying to figure out how to make it easier for me. But my family is still my family and I have to go to holiday parties and birthday parties and dinners. More often than not, I feel like I am forcing Ian to come with me to these things. As if it's his family who chastises him or tries forcing him to get drunk or doesn't ever try to understand why he is the way he is. There is no support on his end in that regard.
When we're at a family party, I feel like that one quote "I am alone in a room full of people."
There are times when he can be very surprising but it's obvious that it's extremely difficult to do so. It's not in his nature to be romantic or look at the bright side of our relationship when he's talking to people. We used to hug and kiss all of the time in public and now there are times when we don't even speak to each other or look at one another.
I know that if I ever left or if he ever left me, this would become a new problem with a new person eventually so there's nothing that I can do. I've talked till I was blue in the face. I've cried. I've begged and pleaded for things to change or for books to be read. Nothing happened.
It's hard to watch your relationship turn into this thing that you swore you'd never be a part of.

decided to do a survey

A: Who do you like and Why? This sounds like the type of question a 14 year old girl would ask.
B: Have you ever been in love? If yes, how many times, and how do you know it was love?
I believe that now is the time I'm really in love. We fight sometimes, mostly about stupid things but I think that's what love is about. I don't think that I would be happy in a relationship where things are going smoothly ALL OF THE TIME. By nature, I'm a very difficult person so I will always need to have difficult relationships. At one point, I thought I was in love with my best friend but I think it was more about the fact that I knew nothing could happen and once I admitted how I felt, the feeling basically - more or less, went away. I also recognized that even if those feelings were returned, I could never be with someone who avoided so much in life. I still love him, in a different way and I probably always will even if we were to lose touch or something.
C: Longest relationship you've ever been in, and why did it end? Still in the longest relationship I've ever been in.
D: Have you ever changed for someone, if yes, how? I've changed my ways, but not the person that I am. I feel like this is something that a lot of people get confused about. I have no problem changing certain things that I do that I know can be improved but Ian has never asked me to stop being honest or to stop being so outspoken. He's never asked me to stop making sarcastic remarks because he knows that that's the person I am. If someone asks you to change your personality because they claim to love you, then what is there to change?
G: Have you ever cheated? No because I have been cheated on so many times and while those relationships happened when I was a teenager or before I was even 21, it still hurt. A lot. I'll probably never fully recover from all of the disappointment I dealt with in those relationships and I'll never truly understand what it was that I did that made them stray.
H: Would you date someone who's known for cheating, if yes why? Probably not. It's a question that I ask every man I decide to date. Sometimes I'd like and say I'd cheated before as well, just to get an honest answer out of them. I'm not going to say that cheating is something I will tolerate but I do think that if it happened in my relationship with Ian, we would find a way to work through it.
I: What's the most important part of a relationship? I guess trust and being able to make the other person laugh. Just being happy with each other. You can't be happy without some humor and trust in the other person.
J: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings? Serious relationships. A few guys I dated in the past were just looking for flings and that was the point where I decided to break away.
K: When you are dating someone do you believe in going on "breaks"? Absolutely not. I have seen many, many friends go on breaks and the majority of them stopped being with that person they were originally with. Ian wanted to take a break once this past summer and I told him that it was either I stay or I go. For me, taking a break is like taking a step backwards. I just want to keep moving forward.
L: Who do you have messages from in your phone? Ian, Samson, Colin, Juan, some of my cousins. Basic people I talk to on a week to week basis.
M: What's one thing you regret saying or not saying, doing or not doing in a previous relationship? I regret continuously putting up with bullshit from men. I regret saying I love you because they basically forced me to or saying it and not really meaning it.
N: What age do you think is appropriate for kids to start having sex? When they're not kids anymore. A friend of mine is doing student teaching at an elementary school and one of the students already has a baby...that freaks me out. It is one of the reasons why I don't want to have kids. I think when you're in a stable relationship (which is hard to come by in high school) and you think you're mature enough..which should be around 17 or 18.
O: Do you believe in the phrase, "Age is just a number?" Why or why not? No. It's not just a number. It also comes down to how we think at certain ages. Like how we think we know everything when we're 15, 16.
P: What about "Love at first sight"? Why or why not? No. It's a purely physical thought.
Q: Turn on's? Being honest, being funny, not having any fear in being honest or funny, laughing at yourself, being spontaneous, taking initiative.
R: Turn off's? being lazy, not keeping things clean, being closed up and not wanting to talk to anyone about anything, being dishonest, cheating/thinking about cheating, making people think that your partner is someone that they're not (in a bad way)
S: What do you consider a deal breaker? bathing etiquette.
T: How do you know it's time to end a relationship? I don't know. I ended my past relationships because I knew I had to, for myself.
U: Are you currently in a relationship? If yes, for how long? If no, how long have you been single? We've been together for almost 2 and 1/2 years.
V: Do you think people who have dated can stay friends? yeah. at least, that's what I'm trying to do right now.
W: Do you think people should date their friends? I used to think that was the best way to start a relationship. Starting out as friends could have a lot of perks but I also think that people worry that they will lose that friendship if the relationship ends. For me, I know that I would always want that person in my life and I would also know them well enough to know that they could never truly hurt me the way others have. I think that's why, in the past, I wanted so badly to be with certain guy friends because I knew that they were good people.
X: How many relationships have you had? Between 5 and 8.
Y: Do you think love can last forever? No.
Z: Do you believe love can conquer all things? No.

I got the majority of my Christmas shopping done. Granted I mostly just got the kids presents. We have this thing in our family, like most big families nowadays, where just the kids get actual gifts since there are so many small children now.
I'm making scarves for my cousin and her girlfriend. Hopefully I'll be able to finish my cousin's soon because I have to wet block it. I'm still really enjoying knitting, which is surprising since I lose interest in things very quickly. I even tried teaching this same cousin and she seems to have lost interest but I love it.
I still have a few more gifts to get for my mom, one of the kids, Ian and Juan but otherwise, I'm pretty much finished. I'm working on ornaments for my family but some of them aren't coming out so well.
I've been working at home since Thursday and only have to go into work tomorrow and Wednesday (for half a day then we go to Christmas lunch!) then I work from home the other days until January 2nd.
I'm having a get together at my apartment for new year's eve. It makes me wish that I had more friends that were girls because basically, every time I get my friends together it's a sausage fest. It's fine with me but I don't know how they feel about it. Also, I really can't stand most women. I wish I had more of a tolerance for them and enjoyed having "girl talk" but I don't give a crap about that stuff, for the most part. I don't want to talk about sex or my period or my hair or any of those things.

Every time I get very little sleep, I lie in bed thinking about all of the things in life I don't have that I wish I did.

I wish I had a relationship with someone who was in love with me, someone who would be able to express how they feel for me and not through gifts the way my mom constantly did when I was a child. I wish I could be fully satisfied with my relationship but I'm not. And because of that, I am constantly made into being the bad guy. The damage is already done. No matter what Ian does now, anyone who thinks they know about our relationship, will constantly have that idea of me in their head. If he tells any of them about us getting married, the immediate reaction will be the "oof...why?" face.

I wish I was with someone who willingly and openly wanted to attend family functions with me.

I wish I had someone to dance with instead of listening to "I would dance to one song but not like five. I don't know how to dance."

I wish my dad was still here. I wish he could drive by the apartment, pick me up and go have breakfast with me. I wish he was just a bus ride away and that I could know I could see him any time I wanted.

I wish my mom stopped treating me like life with her is this big competition. I wish I could come and talk to her and know that she would not go and tell my aunts what I confide in her.

I wish I had the funds and resources to find my biological mother.

I wish I knew how to save money.

I wish I knew how to buy Christmas presents. I have yet to buy Juan's presents and still have no clue what I'm getting him and I tried to get out of buying him gifts like 3 times but he insisted. I also have no idea what I'll be putting on my annual Xmas CD that we've been exchanging the past few years. I don't listen to enough music.

I wish last night could be the way my family and I are all of the time. And I wish I could erase all of my awkward years where everyone thought I had "an attitude problem" when really I was just going through puberty, dealing with peer pressures I had no desire to give into, and was constantly being accused of doing drugs by my paranoid mother.

I wish Ian would understand that private is private and that when you're in a relationship, you attend family functions not because it's important to the other person but because you want to be there.

I wish I could write music.

I wish I could work with people in music who want to do the same thing I do but that seems impossible and Juan doesn't know how to play anything.

I wish I did not hate my life so much.

no place in the world for me.

I've often told myself that Ian doesn't know how to share his feelings, that it's incredibly difficult for him to open up and talk about our relationship or why he enjoys being with me. I have defended him time and time again in my head - "that's just not who he is and I have to accept that." Unfortunately, I've spent my entire life settling for less. Settling in general. When I think about that, I just want to jump off of a tall building. Who would spend their entire existence settling for less, telling themselves "this is all that I deserve..."??

It's difficult for me to once again tell myself that Ian doesn't know how to share his feelings when I can read an article he's written and put a lot of time and thinking into, where he explains his love..........for video games. Where he can thoughtfully put together these beautiful words about why he loves writing and why he's going to continue writing in his own style.

How is it that I have been with a person for more than two years who just can't talk about how they feel about me but finds it's really easy to discuss their feelings for something that has no pulse and is a THING?

I am at a loss for words. How can I stick up for someone who can't show me or tell me how they feel about me but it's so simple to discuss a hobby?

This is not the relationship that I want. I'm tired of crying in bed or in the bathroom or at work or on someone else's shoulder.

More than anything, I am tired of not finding my place in life. I do not fit in anywhere. And when I see my boyfriend make it seem like he's a cool, laid back drinker who "tips back a few" it makes me wonder once again - Is this the person he really is? Or does he pretend to be someone else when he's around other people? Where do I fit into this equation?

I have never fit in anywhere - not with my family, and I tend to lose friends after a period of two years or so of closeness. There are even times when Juan says or does things and I tell myself "I don't like that. Why am I friends with someone who feels the need to fall into mediocrity every once in a while? Why do we have to be like everyone else?" And Juan is my best friend. And while I feel awful for saying this, it's the truth.

Whenever someone in my life falls into stereotypes and all of that, it makes me not want to be around them. I often blame everyone else for this but I realize that it's really my problem and it's me. It also makes me wonder if I'm really even growing as a person or if I have grown as a person over the years because I find it so easy to just throw people in the garbage..just because I don't like what they're doing. I don't know how to stop doing this. And I also don't know how else to be.

For my entire life, I have always tried to do the opposite of what everyone else was doing. I didn't want to be like everybody else so I have spent many years finding and losing friends who were trying to stray away from mediocre lives.

I may just be feeling shitty because it's the holidays and it's another year that my father is not here with me. I might also note that I find it extremely insensitive of people to still not "get" that I will be grieving about this for the rest of my life. I think about the things Ian has said about me, how he's told people that I complain about too much and how he wish I looked like this or like that and the main reason why I'm such an unhappy person is because my dad is not here. And now I have to face the fact that my mother is going to have a new husband, whom she continues to try and get me to call "dad" or treat him like he's my dad. Then, on another hypocritical note, she tells me that no one will ever truly replace my father. I like my future step father, he's a very nice person and he cares for my mother, deeply. I can see that. But the fact is, I don't live at home anymore. And when I get up in the morning, my dad isn't sitting at the table drinking coffee while listening to the radio or reading a newspaper.

I hate the holidays. They are just a reminder of how alone I am. And the really sad part is that after all of the years of fighting, after all of the struggles, all I want to do is crawl into my mother's arms and cry and have her tell me that everything will be alright.

Womanly stuff (WARNING)

Whenever I get my period, my rage is multiplied by about a thousand. Small things tend to set me off in general but when it happens while I'm on my rag, I just want to claw people's eyes out. So far, I've been annoyed by an old woman on my train who's fat stomach kept touching me, my boss' lack of confidence in sending me to New York to DO MY JOB, and people disagreeing with my facebook status (this is how I know I'm really being ridiculous).

I want to go home.

a healthy debate

I've always enjoyed a healthy debate with someone, especially if I actually know what I'm talking about. I've found myself basically arguing with a mutual friend of my friend Jessica (who I have not seen since high school but talk to pretty frequently on facebook) about the Casey Anthony trial. I didn't follow this trial from the beginning - like so many others, I saw the interviews with the lawyers and the parents on various news channels and read articles online. I was devastated for this child and the grandparents. I can't imagine what it's like to not know where your grandchild is for a month (if this is true) and then people find her decomposed body in the woods. I know that something like that would break me into pieces. How these people were able to keep going with their lives and get up every morning...I'll never know.

Anyways, Jessica's friend, who I also went to high school with but never talked to, commented on a link that she posted and he basically told her how to feel. Not to be mad. What good does it do. Etc. Etc.

I hate it when people do shit like this. Just respect how the other person feels. You may not agree but you don't have to tell them how they should feel about something like this. It was difficult for me not to respond to such an asinine comment as this:
"To be sincere, there is a lot of people who shouldnt be walking down the street, but she is free, let it go. Talking about it only adds aggravation. We got more things to worry about than this."
...What?

To which I responded with: "We shouldn't worry about a woman who probably killed her child and is out roaming the streets? Okay."
Other people who commented on the post, including my friend who posted it ended up liking the comment. Then he decided to say this:
"Yeah theres absolutely nothing anyone can do. The law is the law. How many hundreds of murderers, rapists, etc are out there walking among us ? We need to worry more about ourselves because then we will always be in fear and perhaps inadvertently cause something bad to happen."

His comment really pissed me off. I don't know what's wrong with him, if he's just stupid or what but I ended up writing a novel back to him because I was so annoyed/flabbergasted that he basically said "let's not worry about things like this."

My reply: "We need to worry more about ourselves??? I'm not in fear of the people walking the streets who have murdered others/their babies. I just want justice. What happens if this woman has another child? And then it "goes missing" too? Are we just supposed to say "Oh...well...I just need to worry about me right now." I know that there are hundreds of bad people like her out there and she REPRESENTS a portion of those people, that's why there's nothing wrong with being upset that this woman killed her daughter and then let her body rot in the woods or wherever.

It's true that there are things in this world that we cannot control, but to basically say "we need to be selfish and only think about us" is just plain...stupid. sorry, but it's the truth. People have every right to be hurt or upset that a woman got away with murdering her baby just like people have every right to be upset about someone getting the death sentence when they're innocent. I think that not talking about things like this and NOT facing them is what causes people to live in fear because they're too afraid to discuss them and have healthy conversations about it. This is what's happening in the world. Why avoid it?"

Like I said, I love a healthy debate. I hate arguing with stupid people though. I'm just waiting till he says something just as stupid because he's living in the land of ignorance.

Tired of feeling alone

I haven't been sleeping much the past week or so. I wake up in the middle of the night in cold sweats or in tears. If I'm not having a nightmare about something, I just wake up in a rush. I feel as though I've slept for a thousand years - I don't feel well rested, if anything I feel like the exact opposite. I feel exhausted...like I'm so tired that I just can't sleep.

I'm stressed out, mostly because I don't know what to do about our lives at home anymore. All he cares about is himself. We're growing apart and I seem to be the only one who complains about it and I get absolutely nowhere.

It's mentally exhausting trying to tell someone over and over again that you feel neglected, that you feel a coldness coming from them, that you feel helpless, that you feel sad about where things are, that you feel like you are fighting a losing battle all by yourself.

I think this is why I don't sleep well anymore.

And then let's add in getting yelled at for no reason at all. I didn't like getting yelled at by my parents and pretty much stopped standing for it at a young age. Many people found this to be a problem - I did not. I felt that if it was necessary for me to respect my elders, I was to receive the same amount of respect. I refused to get yelled at and not be allowed to express my feelings. So I am also not going to stand for it when someone a year older than me thinks they can take out their frustrations at other people, on me.

I don't know where to go from here. Maybe it's just one of those days. Maybe it's just one of those months...but it is impossible for him to grow and change. I feel that he may always be stuck in his ways so where does that leave me?

YouTube

Recorded this about an hour and a half ago. The guitar playing is a karaoke track someone made. Vocal track is me singing, without any auto-tune or other vocal features.

After many years of laziness, I'm finally getting my act together. I'm going to start recording songs with Samson (when he finds the time) and I'm going to post the videos on youtube. We'll see what happens. Have been experimenting a little bit today with Audacity. I need to buy a microphone. There's one I want to buy, but it's around $80 so I'm either going to buy it when I get paid on Monday and then suffer from severe buyers remorse since Christmas is right around the corner OR I'm going to wait until after Christmas...I don't know if I'm that patient though.

Thanksgiving was very nice. Ian, his mom Colleen and I went over to my mother's house for dinner. She cooked so much food that it barely all fit on the table. She made cauliflower with breadcrumbs on top (she's been doing this for years and I love it. I won't eat cauliflower any other way. She also does this with egg noodles - something my great grandmother used to do), she made carrots, she made mashed potatoes, gravy, got raspberry/cranberry sauce - which was actually pretty good, she made this green bean casserole that I think she made last year but I didn't get a lot of it because we had a whole bunch of people over (glad she gave me two big spoonfuls of it to take home to eat this week), rolls, stuffing, and of course the turkey.

This year, my mom and Julio (her fiancee) got a fresh turkey from this place called Paulina Meat Market. It tasted pretty different, not as dry and didn't seem like it was as difficult to pull the meat off of the bones when I was watching my mom plate it.

The only difficult part was when I actually tried having a conversation with my mother. I am often reminded that I can never really rely on her, that she sees me as an adult who was once her child but no longer needs her...but then she'll say shit to me like "you'll always be my baby, no matter what." Okay, then why is it so difficult for you to be a mom?

My mom has a Nintendo DS that is just sitting in her dresser - I have played it more times than she has. So I asked if I could have it or buy it from her for $50 (this is the second version of the DS so it's really not worth much money) and she immediately started shaking her head no. I then had to explain that they have come out with at least two or three newer versions of the DS and that the DS lite was about $70 at a video game store so she was getting a good deal with me paying $50 for it. Then she said "you can buy it for $100." -_- and then said that she would give me the games she has for it (which the majority of are really shitty and I would probably just end up selling them since I have no interest in playing them) and I just ended up not talking to her about it anymore. Then she goes "you could pay me in installments." Like we were doing some kind of business deal instead of just saying "you know, you can have it. I don't use it. At all." It seriously pisses me off. She is the most money hungry person I've ever met and she is probably the reason why it's very difficult for me to save because through the majority of my adolescence and adulthood, my mother has given me very little. Any time I asked for reasonable things like...paying for my COMMUNITY COLLEGE education, it would turn into this huge disagreement.

I often find that there is only a certain amount of time that I can spend with my mother and I'm thankful that I'm able to leave the house when I want to and not have to listen to any of her bullshit.

Lately I have just been feeling really indifferent about my entire life.

Probably because it makes me sad.

my new hobby

I'm pretty sure that my hair has become more brown. Of course it's more noticeable in better light but nevertheless, it's still there.

I'm not sure if my hair is growing. I think it'll take a couple of months before I really notice a difference but I've been doing it at least every other day. There were a few times last week when I did it a couple days in a row.

Instead of individually rubbing the oil into different parts of my scalp, I've just been pouring a little into the palms of my hands, rubbing them together and then putting it on my head. My hair is just as moisturized and it's faster. There are certain parts that I do still focus on individually applying the coconut oil to but for the most part I just make sure that I cover every inch of my head, especially the ends.

I have a new hobby. On Monday I started knitting. I taught myself by watching YouTube videos. I'm completely obsessed, which is usually what happens when I get into something new. I'm working on a Christmas scarf right now (Red and green yarn) and I'm just getting ready to start the third piece of the scarf. I'm kind of tempted to go back to Joann Fabrics this weekend and pick up more green and red yarn just in case I run out.

Somehow, my friend Colin convinced us to go see Breaking Dawn at midnight this week. I'm mostly just going to see how crazy people get and at least I'll have the scarf to work on while I'm sitting in line.

Procrastination is a big bitch...

For the past hour I've been reading people's tweets.

Yeah. I never do that. I'm so ashamed.

I'm really excited about the new Muppets movie. So much so that I may buy myself a Kermit the frog puppet and walk around the apartment with him and scare the crap out of my cats.

Also, the closer our time to move out comes around, the more I think about saving the money to buy my grandma's condo..because then Ian and I could just pay $250 a month each, have our own washer and dryer, two bathrooms, a den, a living room, a dining room, a big bedroom...yeah. We have to talk about this when I get home. The way I see it, the money we attempt to save will be a better investment. Must talk to mom and uncle about this some time soon.

hair update #3

I've been using coconut oil for about a week now and a few people have told me that they can see a difference in my hair. It still maintains a decent amount of volume and my hair is still very soft. I haven't really noticed a change in the color yet but I won't mind either way, whether it happens or not.

I've pretty much been doing the same routine since the beginning - I rub the coconut oil into my scalp and I take a bit into the palm of my hand so that I can moisturize all of my hair. I put a plastic bag on my head because I'm too lazy and too poor to buy a shower cap (i will buy one this weekend). After about an hour or so, I wash it out with shampoo and wash my hair again the next morning just to be sure the coconut oil doesn't leave my hair too greasy. I usually will not condition my hair until the following day. I use the oil on my hair every other day so on the days I do not use it, I am using conditioner.

I still haven't seen too much hair fall so that's good. I also think that it's growing. Depending on if my hair grows back thicker, I may cut it again next month. Still waiting on results though. So far, very satisfied.

marriage

I've spent my morning thinking about how we are still not engaged, not married, not planning for anything like that.

I really, truly believe that Ian doesn't even want to be married to me anymore. There isn't anything that I can do about it. That's why it's so frustrating.

To be honest, I'm worried that we will have been dating for so long that we won't want to be married to each other. I worry that one day I'll ask myself - "why would I want to spend the rest of my life with him? We've been together so long...what's the point of getting married?"

I'm tired of settling. I feel as though that's all I've been doing almost ever since the beginning of our relationship. All I do is accept "this is as much as Ian can give right now." And I've just kind of grown very tired of it.

I've spent my entire life around people who didn't care about what I truly wanted. I guess that's how I'll continue living out my days.

Absolute bullshit...

my dog died

About a year ago, my dog Nemo had to be put to sleep. This morning my mom had to put our other dog Teddy to sleep as well. It was devastating. The poor little dog had struggled his entire life. He had epilepsy, was taking all of these medications. The most recent problem was an enlarged heart and that finally damaged his liver irreparably. The vet told my mom that even though he was active and playful, that he could crash at any time. Yesterday Juan, Ian and I went to my mom's house and Teddy was right there to greet us as the door. He seemed fine but my mom kept telling me what the vet said. I guess it's better that my last memory of him is how to the very end he remained obedient and walked me to the door and shook his butt towards me like he always did. It's better that I do not have the same memory I do of Nemo - barely being able to walk, seeing the pain in his eyes and knowing that he just wanted it all to end.

I loved both of my dogs very much and I am completely saddened that I've lost both of them. I'm also concerned for my mother. Thankfully, her fiancee has two dogs that live in the house with them so she's still able to keep busy with them. It's not the same though.

Ian's solution is to get me a dog. I've been wanting a dog for a really long time...even before Nemo and Teddy passed away. My mother's answer to that was that I could have a cat instead. Working at the pet store for a year kind of suppressed my feeling of wanting a dog because I got to spend the majority of my week playing with them, giving them treats, putting coats or boots on them during the winter.

I'd like to have a dog but I know our apartment doesn't allow it. I often wonder what would happen if I went and talked to the landlord about that, if we got a small dog would that be okay? I'd just like to have a dog to take for walks and play in the park with. And I always tell Ian that if we ever have children, I always want to have a dog in the house so the kids can pass those values onto their own children - that having a dog is such a wonderful experience. It's a lot of responsibility but it's also fun. There are so many shelters filled with dogs that need good homes and I just wish I could take all of them home and spoil them but I know that's not humanly possible.

The only problem I see is Flynn having an issue with a dog. Molly is used to it. I think that at one point she thought she was a dog herself. I remember when she was a kitten, she would pounce on top of Teddy and he'd just walk all over the house like "okay...there's this thing on me...and it has claws...and it's small..." Just accepting that Molly wanted someone to play with. Nemo was always afraid of her, because Nemo was scared of his own shadow but Teddy often indulged Molly's playful attitude.

I will miss my dog very much but I hope that if there's a heaven, that he's up there with my dad and my other dogs we've lost. And I also hope that some day, when it's time for me to go up there, they'll all be there waiting. Playing in endless fields of tall grass with my dad.

I put the coconut oil in my hair last night and used a lot more. Mostly by accident. It spilled over the palm of my hand when I was just trying to get a little out of the bottle. I have read that the henna makes your hair turn brown but that's okay with me. That won't stop me from using it as my hair is already kind of brown and black.

I may use it again tonight, just to see what the results are like tomorrow. Woke up with hair volumized like the other morning. I do notice that when I'm running my fingers through my hair, I can actually feel (and it hurts!) when I accidentally pull out a hair. In general though, I have a lot less hair fall than before I started this treatment. I'm hoping to see results within a month or two.

Day 2

I wash my hair every day (it's a compulsive thing. If my hair grows back fuller then I'll be willing to wash it every other day).

So I took a shower this morning, shampooed and conditioned my hair and blowdried it. It came out a lot more volumized than usual and it was still very soft. I'm going to do another treatment tonight when I get home and intend on keeping the oil in my hair for at least a few hours, going to wash it out and see how my hair responds to that.

Today I noticed very little hair shedding. When I got home yesterday, my hair was not greasy at all. Usually after a full day of touching my hair, it looks a lot thinner especially after I go to the gym (which is what I did yesterday) and if I don't blow dry it.

My mom said that if this helps with hair growth in general, she's going to try it because she's trying to grow out her hair as much as possible for her wedding in April.

Not much to report on today. I have a bunch of photos I have to edit for my 365 photo project I'm doing on facebook. It's cloudy and raining. We have nothing planned for the weekend but I think that's what I need since I've been pretty tired this week.

Day 1 of coconut oil treatment

Last night I started using the Vatika coconut oil for my hair. The fragrance is really strong...and it's not what I expected. I didn't do too much research in how to apply the coconut oil but I'll be trying different things. I put the bottle under some warm water because coconut oil becomes a solid in colder temperatures. The bad thing is that it started to leak out of the bottle even though I had the lid closed tight. I ended up putting the bottle in a ziplock bag this morning.

After the coconut oil was more liquid-y, I applied it with my finger tips and just rubbed it into my scalp, mostly in the problem areas which are the top and front parts of my head. Because I didn't buy a shower cap, I used a plastic bag lol. I tied it really tight and could feel it getting warmer. I let it sit for about half an hour (when I do it again tomorrow, I may leave it in for an hour) and then washed it out with Aveda shampoo. I read that you should not use conditioner because it'll make your hair even more greasy, which was completely true because even after I rinsed out the coconut oil with my shampoo, my hair was very soft and it felt as if I'd already conditioned it.

This morning my hair was REALLY soft and fluffy. I always wake up with bed head in the morning because I toss and turn a lot. Usually, my hair is really greasy in the morning from using product the day before if I chose to blow dry it but today it had a lot of volume and it was really shiny. Me = very happy.

I washed my hair again this morning and conditioned it, which I think was a mistake. It's more greasy than I'd prefer. Maybe it just feels greasy to me even though it's not because it's so soft. I'm happy with the first day results. I should also note that I noticed a lot less hair shedding. I'll be treating my hair three times a week with the coconut oil.

I feel like no matter what I do, I can never catch a break. Super stressed out and not getting any support from anyone.

What I'll be blogging about regularly

As I've explained in a few past entries, I suffer from hair loss. It mostly has to do with the grief of losing my dad - because I noticed that shortly after he passed, my hair was falling out a lot and not growing back. My hair used to be very long, past my shoulders, and now it's very short, chin length. I'd just like to have the option of growing my hair out and not wondering if everyone can see my scalp. Over the past few years, I switched over to Aveda products because I knew that with less natural products I ran the risk of losing more hair and doing more damage. I also stopped blow drying my hair as much (which is why I also cut it short). I've read a number of reviews about this product, mostly coming from Indian or African American women. I also noticed that a lot of older women were reviewing coconut oil products.

I found out about how amazing coconut oil is when I was working at a pet store and my boss insisted that we have weekly meetings - One week we had a discussion about coconut oil and she told us that it helps with hair growth and strength.

At first I was worried that coconut oil may make my hair fall out even more but I haven't come across anyone who has made complaints about it. Some people noticed no changes but also did not have any major hair issues and other people showed photos and videos of what their hair looked like before they started using coconut oil and after.

At this point I'm willing to try anything. Now I don't look like a cancer patient (not meant to be offensive) undergoing chemotherapy and I don't have big bald patches but my hair is very, very thin. It was once very thick, which is why I was able to grow it so long. When I noticed that a large portion of my hair in the middle of my head was not growing, I went back to my natural part which is on my left side of my head. I don't have dandruff but I do have a dry scalp.

Besides blogging about the Vatika Coconut Oil I just purchased and will start using next week, I will also be writing about the treatment that I plan on doing (two to three times a week, with a shower cap, for 1/2 an hour to an hour) and I also plan on writing about the shampoos and conditioners I'm using.

I know this is a big no-no but I've been using the same shampoo and conditioner for almost a year now and I think that also participates in my hair looking so lifeless lately.

So anyways, I just figured that this is something interesting I can write about for the next few weeks. I will of course still update about my personal life and am hoping to start blogging about food again as well.

Smooth sailing

It's been about a month now that we have been doing alright. We haven't gotten into any big fights. No storming out, no crying, no yelling. Nothing.

We bought a bed this weekend from Ikea. It's great.

Juan and I are starting a web comic.

On Saturday a bunch of us went to a pumpkin patch and a haunted house - both were really great. I have no idea what to eat for lunch today.

I have a lot of work to do so that's why I'm just kind of quickly updating things. Also have a lot on my mind as far as the web comic is concerned...work worries as well.

Everything is good.

My mom's birthday is on Friday. We're going out to dinner (I think) on Saturday with her and her fiancee. I just remembered that I still haven't bought her a present but am buying it tomorrow when I get my costume at the mall.

I'm going to be a bee...if the costume is still there.

my back is killing me

I blame our bed - We've been sleeping on a futon on the floor for about a year now and both of our backs have been killing us off and on ever since.

We are FINALLY buying a new bed next weekend and I could not be happier about it. I love buying new sheets and blankets. And since we're getting a larger size bed, we have to buy new fitted sheets for it.

My back is hurting me so much today for some reason. I don't know if it's because of the losing weight and my front having to compensate for my back or the bed or the chair I sit in at work but it may just be a combination of the three.
I thought about leaving work early but I don't know how well that would go over with my boss. I'm just hurting a lot right now.

----

Our relationship has been going well. For almost two weeks now, we haven't gotten into any big blow outs. Small tiffs here and there but not every day and nothing serious. I don't know if he's happy because he still doesn't really tell me *cough* but I am.

...I want to kill my back right now...Honestly.

Hair

I need new shampoo and conditioner. < That sentence will probably be the simplest one in this blog post.

So, my dad passed away four and a half years ago. I was working two jobs - one as a Managing Editor for my school's newspaper (people often discredit this as being a job but trust me...it's a job and it's not easy) and another as a deli...person at a fancy Chicago grocery store/restaurant near Navy Pier. I had to wear a hat. I often used hairspray to keep this hat on my head because it was small and well, stupid.

Shortly after my dad's death, the stress of having two jobs and using too much hairspray, I noticed significant hair loss. I was basically bald in the middle part of my head. I was forced to move my part over. My hair was still falling out, in clumps in the shower. I blamed my shampoo and conditioner. I later blamed blow drying my hair/straightening it/having to wash it every day because it got greasy very quickly.

Eventually, I cut my hair, stopped putting any product in it and noticed less hair loss. After that, I started using more natural shampoos and conditioners. I cut my hair even shorter and really liked it - It's a lot easier to take care of when it's short. After a while, I started styling it again every few days (not every day). I used a volumizer when I blow dried my hair, to add height. While some of my hair has grown back over the past few years, it's not as full as it once was when I was a teenager.

My solution is to continue eating more healthier foods when I can, keep working out, change up my shampoo and conditioner every month or so and continue using the same natural brand of products, and now: To try natural remedies to get some of the hair to come back. Whether it be from hairspray damage, the stress or whatever.

There are a ton of different things out there to try including coconut oil, grapeseed oil, lemon and an egg, rosemary, olive oil and castor oil.

So over the next year, I'm going to try a bunch of different things and just see what happens. Even though I like having my hair short, I'd like to have the option of growing it out and not worry about how thin my hair looks when the length is past my chin.

my adoption

Yesterday I talked with my mom about my adoption - it was the first time we've really talked about it ever since I was a kid...and by kid I mean, between the ages of 4 and 10. She also told me a lot about my father's side of the family.

I found out that I came to America when I was only three months old - when I originally thought that my adoption was made official at three months and I traveled to America at nine months old. My mom said that my biological mother only kept me for a few days before she decided to hand me over to the orphanage. Shortly (as in 30 seconds) before she told me this, we had a conversation that was similar to what I'm about to post:

"She had you for about a month before she gave you to the orphanage."
"A month? That long? Why?" -me

"Because she was still deciding if she wanted to keep you or not."-my mom

"..."

"...Actually I take that back. She didn't even have you for a month. It was three weeks...actually, it was only for a few days."-my mom

*me trying not to cry in front of my mother and Ian*

I imagine this woman sitting in her bed, stroking my face, and kissing my forehead and my fat little cheeks, my small fingers squeezing hers, me smiling up at her and her smiling down on me, or crying. But I also imagine that it was so easy for this woman to just push me out of her life and had she really wanted us to be in each other's lives, I would like to think that she would've left a letter or something for me to read as an adult.
I also found out that my mother had brothers and sisters...which means that if I ever took the initiative to try and find my biological mother, I would most likely find her siblings. I have aunts and uncles out there, somewhere.

My mom tried to defend my biological mother's actions and said that young women, poor women, had no way of caring for their children so they gave them up and that she made the right decision when she took me to the orphanage. I would like to find my biological mother and/or her family before it's too late, before I am so old that my mother will have already passed and any of her siblings would also have passed.

But I also see disappointment if I pursue this. I see a number of doors being shut in my face. I see a woman who will tell me that she didn't want me and still doesn't and never loved me and that was the real reason why she gave me up for adoption.

The way I see it, I was really only truly wanted once - and that was on the plane on the way to Chicago. When I was very young, I remember my mom telling me that the woman who was taking care of me on the plane wanted to keep me. Yesterday, my mom said that the woman was actually with her husband and they were both taking care of me on the plane and that the woman told my mom that if no one was at the airport to claim me, that her and her husband would've taken me.

I can't help but wonder how different my life would have been, being in a home with two people who really, truly loved me. I would have grown up in Seattle. I might have had brothers and sisters. I might have been encouraged by my parents to find my biological mother. I might have received financial help from my parents to find out where I originally came from. Instead, I was brought up in a home filled with fighting, tears, hospitals and death. I was brought up in a home filled with resentment.

I am happy with where my life is now. I love my boyfriend, I love my friends and I love my family as well but I still feel that I will never be fully satisfied with my life until I find out more about my mother, her past and the life that I could have had. When I was a small child, my mom once said to me "you're lucky that we adopted you. you would be out on the streets right now eating noodles and kimchi if it weren't for us." We were in a car because I remember just resting my head on my hand and shaking my head like "what the hell is the matter with this woman..." She made a number of remarks like that to me, growing up. "Go pack a bag, I'm taking you back to the adoption agency. I don't want you anymore." And I would really have to go and pack a suitcase and it was mostly filled with stuffed animals and pajamas because I was so young at that point that I had NO idea wtf I was doing because seriously - who the fuck makes their child pack a suitcase?
"You see that blue car right there?" She asked as we both sat on the couch, looking out the window. "There is a man who's going to drive you to the adoption agency because you're a bad child." Cut to me screaming and crying and wondering what I had done so bad to be kicked out of my home. Age 6, btw.

"Hello? Is this the police? Hi, I'm bringing my daughter over to the station. Yeah, I don't want her anymore." My mother pretending to call the police. Age FOUR. Yeah.

There were a number of other hurtful things she did to me, that people still don't believe to this day. I don't even think anyone in my family knows about the time that she walked out on me and my father. She said she just sat in the park all day but she was literally gone ALL. DAY. I was very young and I think both me and my father were worried if she'd actually come back that evening. It was dark when she came back to the house. I sat in the living room all day, staring out the window - From the second that she walked out the door, till she came back that night I just sat on the couch waiting.

I've read a few of other people's blogs I follow who also grew up in shitty adopted homes. Last night I had a dream about having a baby. It wasn't the first and probably won't be the last. But I've been thinking about what we're going to do when we want to have a baby...I'm afraid that if we adopt, the child will face the same ridicule I faced. "You know, your parents aren't your REAL parents right??" Or being excluded for being adopted. Or feeling lonely because he or she has no brothers or sisters. I know that I cannot physically handle having a child - it would probably kill me and/or the baby. And I also know that having a surrogate is extremely expensive. The older that we get, I know the more I will worry about all of this.

I do know that all of the things my mom did, I will not do to my own children.

BroTips is the best website ever...

How long do you think I'll wait for you to finally say "no" to her?

Why I'm beginning to dislike my job

I enjoy the work I do but it is not time consuming, if that makes any sense. The day goes by quickly based on how much I have to get done but I am often left with my thoughts, my paranoia, my anxiety, my sadness. This job has resulted in me picking arguments with Ian or starting trouble because I am left alone with my thoughts all day. Even though I get to work with my best friend, our backs are turned against each other so we don't talk all that much. Also, we both have our own work to finish each day and I think he sometimes finds it distracting when I ramble on about silly things I'm either annoyed by because of Chicago's public transportation system or work-related things.

So while I am coasting through the day, reading, watching films/tv shows and listening to Pandora, I get bored and I become curious. The curiosity leads to frustration. Frustration leads to anger. Anger leads to tears. I haven't hit that point yet today though.

Things almost really fell apart and I am still upset that it seemed like it was all my fault when I know it's not. I'm still angry that a warning has been put over my head when so many times, I stayed because I love him and want this to work. I'm still angry that he continues telling people that I am the cause for his unhappiness when he knows very well that there are things he can do to prevent me from being unhappy, which then will prevent him from being unhappy that I'm so unhappy.

I don't want to ever lose Ian and I feel that no matter how many arguments or petty disagreements we get into, I will always say "I want to keep trying" because I saw how much my parents struggled but in times of despair, I also saw how much they loved one another, unconditionally. There is no doubt in my mind that they would have divorced had he had not leukemia, and even though it was a horrible disease it was a blessing to their marriage. They were married for more than 26 years and had he actually made it, they'd still be married today and I would not be helping my mother plan her wedding with the new man in her life.

I feel that I really have to work on my patience but just as scared as Ian is, I am scared that I will allow my patience to grow and I will be the fool who changed, who made improvements and he's still telling people that I make him miserable - even when we have good days after some bad days. I am worried that he will one day walk out on me because he can no longer understand why he loves me. I am worried that I will lose the person who has become my best friend, the person I turn to in times of stress and sadness - I don't always like what he has to say, but I always listen to what he has to say.

I'm afraid that the way I was brought up and the way my mother "loved" me has caused irreparable damage to me and the only solution would be to see a therapist (which I'd like to do at some point) in order to find the love and forgiveness in my heart for all the times my mother took from me, hurt me, hit me, emotionally abused me, told me that the adoption agency was sitting outside in a car waiting for me, etc.

I'm terrified that having to watch my father die for more than a decade, the man I loved more than anything in the world growing up, has damaged me forever.

I'll always be difficult, honest, complicated, wounded, scared, happy, sad, angry, brutal, sweet, mean when warranted and just...myself and I'm also afraid that Ian has decided that he can no longer deal with my less than graceful sides.

We had a good day yesterday. I cried for almost 12 hours on Friday and I know that had I not walked into the bedroom sobbing, barely able to breathe and asked what I asked, I would have spent the last few days sleeping at my mom's house.

But I still find it unfair that a threat was put over my head when I ask for such simple things. Talk to me. Tell me why you love me. Tell me why you think I'm adorable. Tell me why I'll always mean more to you than any other girl who tries entering your life. Bring home flowers once in a while if you can't verbalize how you feel for me. Let me know that you're still in love with me. Communicate that to me...and more importantly, communicate that to those around you instead of making me seem like all I am is a pain in the ass (which I can be but as I said before, I have good sides).

Every day, I will try to grow. I will take this relationship day by day instead of looking at it as one big whole, which I think has been the main problem between the two of us. After I'm comfortable with what my bank account looks like, I'll buy relationship books for myself...and if he chooses not to take that step, in reading books that will help keep this relationship healthy, there is nothing I can do. I can't force him to treat me better and to stop making me seem like such a shrew - all I can do is better myself and know that if the time comes that I have to leave, I'll walk out knowing that I'm a better person because of him and because I was proactive in growing and having a relationship with the man I could've loved forever.

It's been damn near impossible for me to find motivation to write. Mostly because I know that I just keep writing about the same things. There is too much going on in my head. I have nothing to write about, which I take as a bad sign because I know there are things I want to say but again, I've said them all before.

It will always be a case of you can do no wrong and I'm the evil woman from hell.

I have a feeling that you did not even talk to your mom and just had another good laugh at my expense/a pity party.

Nothing is ever really efficiently done to calm my fears.

Fat Shopaholic

I found this girl's blog a few minutes ago and I absolutely love her. Her website came up through Torrid's facebook page. At first I thought "Oh NO...." but seconds later, it turned into "Good for her and good for fat girls everywhere who dare to be different."

In my probably brief moment of hope, I will tell myself to make more bold choices in my clothing and stop caring if people are looking at me or judging me - Who cares. She was in an article in Time Out Chicago a few days ago and made a comment about eating in public and what it basically came down to was "you're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't." And she's totally right. Eventually, I reached a point where I really didn't give a shit if people were watching me eat or if they were disgusted. If I want to eat a cheeseburger, I'm gonna eat it. If ketchup is running down my face, I really don't care as long as it doesn't get on my clothes. I wore heels/boots the other day - first time EVER. I was scared shitless that I would fall on my ass. People looked at me. I wore leggings with the boots. People surveyed me up and down. Nobody seemed disgusted or shocked or angry. I gained an ounce of confidence back even though my feet are still recovering from those boots and I am about six feet tall in them.

I recently purchased a mini skirt from Torrid - my first EVER (again). I sent it to Ian before purchasing.

"It's a little too short," he said at first.

Today I put it on and looked in the mirror. I know that despite my size, I look good in it because I have great legs and I ALWAYS have and ALWAYS will.

Even though I want to continue losing weight, mostly to get rid of my health problems, I know that I'll always be fat - if not on the outside then on the inside. I love food. I love good food. I love greasy food. I love healthy food. I love Sunday Breakfast/2 a.m. breakfast food.

But I also came to realize that I love my body - whether Ian does or not. At the end of the day, I have to live with myself and I have to be okay with myself and I have to stop caring about whether or not anyone else is okay with how I look.

I know I'll always have curves, or some kind of tire around my stomach and while I'm okay with that, I am also okay with improving my body to the best of my ability for the sake of my mortality.

I love how one person made a complete difference in my life today. Someone that I don't even know. That is one thing about our world that has not and never will change. One person CAN make a difference.

I'm freezing. My boss said it was going to be 76 today. It's only 61 right now. Burr. I slept on the couch last night. Don't really know where to go from here. I said that we had to go one month without a blow out and it happened anyways after only a week of peace. I once again feel like I'm the only one making the effort to keep things going strong. I have a feeling of hopelessness and indifference. Of course I always want us to be able to prosper and succeed but when is enough, enough?

probiotics

One of my bosses has three small children at home.

All three of them have a cold so now he has one.

...I work with three people, in an office that is the size of my dining room.

If I get sick, I'll be terribly upset. I don't function when I'm sick. I feel like death. And then I become paranoid that if I'm sick and I get someone else sick - when I am well, will they then get me sick again?

If there is anything I hate about fall and winter, it's people getting colds.

I'm for sure going to stop by Walgreens tonight and pick up a couple of bottles of probiotics to help keep my immune system up. Sure, it helps that I'm working out regularly every week to stay healthy but I just don't want to catch anyone's cold lol.

I also do not get flu shots because a lot of people fail to realize that you're injecting the illness into your body - which is why you get the "symptoms" afterwards. I've been relatively lucky with not getting too sick for the past year so hopefully I can keep that up. I know that Ian always gets sick when the weather changes. One year, I got sick and I gave him my cold. He has a pretty low immune system because he eats poorly and doesn't exercise. I may try and convince him to start taking probiotics, even if I have to secretly put them into his food. We're having a dinner date at Flat Top Grill later. I know it's not one of his favorite places but he gets to eat as much as he wants so that's why he's almost always willing to go when I suggest it.

Yesterday felt like the way things used to be, in a good way. We aren't taking steps backwards or anything like that. It just felt better, how we were in our better times together.

I wish every day could be like that.

When I think about how poor I currently am, it takes everything in me not to cry.

Why couldn't I get paid today...

An Unrealistic List of Things I'd Like To Do This Fall

(No particular order)

1. Go to Fright Fest at Six Flags - I have never been.

2. Go to State and Madison's fall formal and buy a new dressy dress and have Ian be there as my date...I will probably spend the bulk of that evening in the bar area drinking and eating pizza.

3. Go to an apple orchard and bring home a big ass bag of fresh apples that we pick from trees.

4. Go to Goebbert's pumpkin patch again and walk through the corn maze and look at the sad exotic "zoo animals." Also, would like to go into the REAL haunted house. Just walk around/drive around South Barington for the day and wait until it's open at night.

5. Go to Brookfield zoo and feed the llamas.

6. Have a picnic near Lincoln Park Zoo.

7. Go to the Nature museum and stand in the butterfly room. I've never been and didn't know that this even existed until Ian told me about it shortly after we started dating. I firmly believe that my father's spirit visits me through butterflies - my mom believes it too because shortly after he died, monarch butterflies kept showing up on our front doorstep or would land on our arms or shirts. Today while I was on the train, a butterfly flew in front of my window for a few seconds.

Unfortunately, a large number if not all of these things will not happen because I am usually always the planner and I'm really, really sick of it.

Cried myself to sleep last night on the couch. I was so exhausted from crying throughout half of the day that I don't even remember falling asleep. I hit an all time low.

I don't think I did anything to deserve this. I keep trying to go back and remember all of the times I screwed up or started a fight in a selfish or immature moment.

Nothing I did should have made all of this happen for two years. I feel like there is this person Ian pretends to be, and everyone thinks he's so great - and he is, sometimes. And then I live with this person who is sad, annoyed, angry and bored with me. I don't know what happened. I don't know if these past two years, at some point, I just made him so mad that he decided he wasn't going to tell me how he felt about me anymore and he was just going to tell people all about my annoying habits.

I know that I give people a hard time - I have been doing it my entire life and not always on purpose. I know that I'm a pain in the ass - I complain about everything because so many things in life did not go my way. While I had happy moments as a kid and a teenager, I mostly just felt let down by the most important people in my life at the time.

I'm going to be 25 years old. I don't want to start over with someone new and I don't want to look back on this relationship and just feel regret and hurt. I wish he would just show me how much I mean to him, to help me remember and to make him remember that we have too much to lose.

As much as I love him, I can't help but feel that there is no fight left in him because he knows how much he's hurt me and he knows how hard it is to keep getting back up after something happens. He has to sit there and watch me cry and listen to me trying to make sense of it all and he just gets knocked down. I don't mean to sit there complaining but I just keep running around in this circle in my mind trying to figure it out on my own and I get nowhere. And when I ask him "why did this happen" or "why did you do this" I still don't really get an answer. I don't think there really is a reason why he does the things he does but I've always found that if you can figure out why something is happening then you can figure out how to stop it. I don't want us to have to tell new people in our lives "it didn't work out and we both screwed up big time" and look back and wonder if we had just did one or two things differently, would we be sitting here with each other instead of someone new?

I don't think it's right that I keep being made out to be a bad person to everyone in his life but he won't stop. I know that I'm not the only one who has a problem but at least I am willing to try and fix myself, not only for me but for our relationship.

I'm tired of compromising and losing dignity every time I give in. I cannot keep doing this by myself.

desperate attempt to get your attention #539658589350358

As much as I try being happy, it's incredibly difficult when I ask you to do something simple like talk to me throughout the day and let me know you're thinking of me and you can't even do that. It used to come so simple to you. I remember waking up to text messages at 630 in the morning "hi, how are you" and now here we are, two years later and I have to ask you to text message me during the day or I have to ask for an email. I have to ask you to comment on things that I post or let me know what you think of the things I write. There's no effort to do any of these small things. Meanwhile, I sit here all day waiting. Wondering why it's such a struggle to make an effort.

It's the little things.

You can't just expect me to get happy when you don't do your part. Think about it. It makes no sense. Why do I have to keep asking you to make an effort and to start doing things??

We're hanging on by a thread and you just act like you don't even give a shit.

WAKE. UP. And start taking initiative in the other things that are important in your life. PLEASE. Otherwise, this is never going to work, Ian.

Today is Colleen's birthday (Ian's mom). On Sunday, her and Ian have plans to go see a movie and have dinner.

In the past, I was included in those plans but this year, I guess not. I'm assuming that it's because Ian decided to tell her about our arguments, big or small, made me seem like I'm this horrible person that he is stuck in a relationship with...so why would I be invited?

While I continue acknowledging that I'm responsible for my own screw ups, I also know that there have been things that were done to me that I did not deserve. Things that Ian did absentmindedly and didn't think about the repercussions that his actions might have at later date.

In this case, Colleen's perception of me is much different now because Ian decided to open up to everyone else but me about our problems during a certain point/the whole time we've been dating.

And now I just feel excluded, that we won't all be together on certain days like we were before. The worst part is that there is really nothing I can do about it at all because the damage has already been done and Ian is responsible for whatever he decided to say to his mom about me. I just have this sick feeling in my stomach, thinking about what he told her or didn't tell her and made it seem like I was the person who screwed up time and time again, that I was the one who caused all of that pain.

When we visited my mom on Sunday, I just found myself crying unexpectedly. I openly asked her for her perspective on how she would react in my situation, with Ian sitting right there, to make it clear that I have no secrets from him and I'm not going to talk shit about him behind his back like he has with me. To me, there is nothing more disrespectful than that.

I told my mom that I've been crying every day and at one point, one of them said "It's not every day." And I just sat there thinking of all the times I have cried with him sleeping next to me in the bed, when I've cried in the shower, when I've cried at work, when I've cried on the train on the way to work or on the way home, when I've cried at my mom's house without Ian there, when I've cried on the phone with Juan, when I've sat in the bathroom and cried and I said again, "I cry. Every. Day."

He says we'll fix things, that things will change and while I am starting to believe that, I keep thinking about the things he has said about me or done to me in the past that are now going to be very difficult to change. What I find really funny is how a few of my friends know about some of the arguments Ian and I have gotten into and none of them have ever pulled him aside and said "you're an ass hole" or have treated him ANY differently. Meanwhile, anyone on his end that he may have told about our fights thinks I'm the fucking devil.

And he thinks it's totally okay to tell people our business while only explaining his side so it looks like I'm the one causing all of the problems...when all I want is some respect and some thought towards me and our relationship. Instead, I'm made out to be this dragon lady.

I don't know what to do about this. I really do love Ian's mom, especially now that I understand what a supportive parent really looks like. But I'm completely helpless because I know Ian won't take the initiative to say to her "she loves you and she wants you in our lives forever" to let her know that all of this shit that's gone down can't only be put on me.

But you're just a boy.

I wish you told me and showed me how much you love me more often.

Because then I wouldn't feel so inadequate.

If this doesn't change, I don't know what I'll do but it's too difficult to know I love with my whole heart and never know where I stand with you.

I'm not asking for a lot.

...Just let me know that I mean something to you.

Not knowing, not hearing or seeing anything is what makes me sad.

Please.

The weather here is becoming a little ridiculous for me. I do not do well in this heat. It's September 1st and the high for today is 95. No thanks. On the plus side, after tomorrow the weather is going to be great. Highs in the 70s. Maybe that means we can put the air conditioners away...somewhere. Our landlord claims that he's cleaning the basements so anything put in the open area down there has to be gone or they'll throw it out, assuming that it belongs to past tenants. So yesterday Ian and I moved a few of his plastic containers back up to the apartment and one of his glass cabinets that was the heaviest thing in the world.

I guess things are alright. All I really care about is if he's happy but I don't know where that leaves me. I'm happy but fear once again grabs a hold of me. I guess I worry if we will be happy tomorrow or the next day or how long it will be until we fight again. My problem is that I'm so used to chaos, that I constantly keep myself from being happy. Yesterday I was watching a slideshow I made for Ian in February and started to cry, just remembering all of the good moments we've had and how there have been so many times where either one or both of us almost threw it all away. I think that we're both to blame for not appreciating the other person enough. I have to appreciate the small things he does, because as small as they may be to me, they might be bigger for him. Eventually, I know he'll understand how much more of an effort he has to make and I think he'll slowly get there.

My mom keeps calling me all of the time. I don't know what she wants...she talks about things that I don't really need to hear over the phone. It can always wait till the weekend. I have Monday off and I'm looking forward to just sitting around the apartment, reading, maybe actually playing a video game and watching movies. This daily routine is beginning to get to me.

forgiving

Today I started my letters. I've decided to write one for Ian as well and actually give it to him. Hopefully he'll read it at some point. As corny as all of this sounds, I'm half done writing them and I really feel like a weight has been lifted. I've decided that every time I think about all of the things those people put me through, I'm going to pull my notebook out and read about why I've decided to forgive them and what I forgave them for.

Last night I really felt it necessary to tell Ian about my family's alcoholism and how scary it has been growing up in that type of environment. And as I was writing my letters, I found that not one but two of my ex-boyfriends had drinking and alcohol issues so I understand why I'm so afraid for Ian. My day to day life is filled with fear. And I plan on doing whatever I can to stop it but I can't do it all on my own. I worry that Ian is too preoccupied to work towards our same goals, or if we have the same small goals.

I don't want to fight anymore - I want to work towards fixing things but I think it's harder for Ian based on how many blow ups we've had and how easy it has been for me to lose my temper. We both have bad tempers and it's gotta stop.

So Ian is back from his trip. I met him the airport yesterday. Of course by the time I reached his baggage claim area, he had made his way to where I previously was by airport's train stop. I know that we have a lot to work on but it all starts with making myself happy each day, or allowing myself to be happy and stop letting fear and jealousy come over me.

I need to stop feeling so threatened by other women and believe that above all, Ian lives with me and has been dating me for two years. I can only hope that based on the things his father did to his mother, he learned not to treat women the same way. I have to stop punishing Ian for things other men have done to me so I decided to write all of them letters, forgiving and forgetting the hurtful things they did to me.

It's also important for me to believe that a real woman who respects herself and knows who she is, isn't going to attempt to steal someone else's boyfriend.

Most importantly, I just have to work on my self esteem because there are things about me that I used to like, that I am learning to like again and every day, I am determined to tell myself that I'm good enough for him and no matter what, he will be faithful to me and I to him.

Laura once told me that it takes six weeks to make a habit out of something - I have tested this and it's absolutely true. My plan is to continue cleaning the apartment, every day, to keep it in good shape. When Ian came home last night, he jokingly said "IT'S SO CLEAN.....WHAT HAPPENED???"

I believe that any and all problems we have as a couple can be fixed - there are definitely no quick fix solutions but with time, things will be alright. All we can do is hope to be happy each day. I can't force us to get engaged and I can't force us to grow. It all has to happen naturally and I've gotta tell myself "all in good time."

I missed him a lot and I think that after he saw how happy I was yesterday, just to be around him, he realized that he may have missed me as well even though he was having such a good time in Seattle.

I missed seeing him sleep next to me in bed. More than anything though, I missed his embrace. I told Juan yesterday that I know deep in my heart that I truly love Ian, despite our issues and despite the fact that it's so hard for me to be happy. I know that I really love him because as I was contemplating what might happen when he got home yesterday, I thought to myself "If he thinks being apart is better for us as individuals, I would be happy knowing he's happy. That's all I want for him in life." But the reason I was so upset about this trip is because I see him receiving more responsibility and having a larger part in the website he writes for and having these great opportunities to interview & talk to people he looks up to...and I just want to be right there for him, cheering him on. I'm so proud of him for everything he has accomplished and I just want him to continue succeeding, no matter who he's working for.

It is time for me to stop being selfish as well. I cannot picture myself with anyone else, I say that all of the time. I always say that I love him more than anything, if that's the case then I have to stop thinking of myself and think of what makes him happy.

I know now more than ever that I am very close to losing him forever and that is the last thing I want. I have to show him how much he means to me instead of just telling him. No more talking. I don't know why I never thought to stop before.

It may be because every time I've felt a change needed to be made in my life, it was at the eleventh hour. It was always like, "okay.....this has to stop...right now."

I'm going to make a conscious effort to repair our relationship if I still have the chance. I just don't want him to feel that he is stuck with me or that he'll hurt me if he leaves. Of course it will be painful but I know that I really do love him because more than anything, I want him to be happy. And if he will be happy without me around, I would be accepting of that.

I'll always love him. Even if we break up. He has meant more to me than anyone I've ever known and I keep screwing it up.

When you feel that the person you've missed more than anything doesn't want to be here with you.

That's what I'm feeling right now.

Leave if that's what you want. I'll live.

Trying to find the strength to let go

I'm determined to learn how to let go of the things I cannot control. It's one of my biggest problems and also plays a large factor in why I get so unhappy when I do.

My friends slept over yesterday and the last two just left a few minutes ago. As I could tell it was getting closer to when they all had to leave, I developed more and more anxiety.

To top it off, I saw that Ian didn't sleep till around 230 in the morning, Seattle time..which would make that 430 here. What's crazy to me is how tired he is when he's here, how lethargic he sometimes is, how sad he seems because he's so stressed out about having to pay bills or get things done.

And I feel like while he's out there, he's probably this really different person who's happy, energetic, excited, spirited.

I'm just trying to figure out who Ian really is and I don't know why it's taken me two years to do it. I want Ian to be happy, I want to be happy and I also want us to be happy together. But these past few days he's been gone, I just feel as though he is happier not having me around, not having to talk to me, not having to deal with my crap.

I want us to be able to move forward and stop saying what we're going to do and just start doing. I know that there are a lot of things I need to change about myself and the way I do things, the way I overreact, the way I get so upset when things don't go my way.

There have honestly been a few times in my life when I've contemplated committing suicide, especially when my dad passed away. The reason why I was so sad about Ian being gone is because of what I mentioned earlier - he's here and he barely laughs or smiles and I just feel like it's my fault and I end up feeling guilty.

There are so many wonderful things in this world that make me happy - Please don't think I was saying that I want to commit suicide because I don't. Anyways, yeah, I just think that I need to do and see more of the things that make me happy here. I need to go to the art museum and just walk around, I need to walk in and out of expensive stores downtown and make fun of the people who spend way too much money on things they don't need, I have to keep spending time with my loved ones and appreciate our moments together. I need to....watch more Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movies/tv shows!!

I just want to be happy and satisfied with myself. And I know that I can't rely on Ian to do that for me but I also know that it's okay to let him be a part of that and let him help me become happy with myself emotionally and physically...if he actually wants to and tries to do that. I just need to stop being so discouraging.

The more I write, the better I feel. This has always been the case with me, which is why I write so friggin' much and talk so much...the more I get to express myself, the better..I guess.

But in the back of my mind, I'm saying to myself, "It's his birthday and you can't even talk to him or see him because he's working and he claims his phone is dying." And then I just start thinking of reasons why he doesn't want to talk to me and what I did, etc., etc.

I'm trying not to cry and I'm trying not to tell myself that he just doesn't care anymore about any of this and is totally over it but that's all I feel right now. And I feel that I'm the only one responsible for it even though that can't be the case.

the most selfish man I've ever known

It's very unfortunate that no matter what time I go to bed, I always wake up between 730 and 8 a.m. - I went to bed around 2 this morning, tossed and turned the whole night but I think that had a lot to do with the fact that I let Juan keep the conditioner on in the living room and I just put the air purifier on in my bedroom.

Things would have been so much worse had he not slept here last night. I basically sat here crying for about four hours, totally perplexed as to why Ian has decided that since he's out of town, he doesn't need to text me or even call me for that matter. He has become infamous for making promises he cannot keep but I never thought making a simple phone call or talking on Skype would be so challenging for him. As far as work goes, as I predicted, nothing he's supposedly written is on the website yet - this happened to him more than a year ago when he traveled with some of these people and instead of working, he was going out, staying up late, whatever.

I didn't hear anything from Ian for four hours. At 3 a.m. I woke up because it was so hot -.- and there were text messages from Ian apologizing, saying he'd just gotten back to the hotel.

I'm not mad right now or upset. I am just confused about the whole thing and hurt by his actions. He has really made it abundantly clear what comes first in his life. I should note that we had not spoken to each other since the day before in the afternoon so this is why I was so upset that he continued to decide that going out was more important than talking to me.

I can't help but feel that he took this trip just to be away from me since it was so easy for him last night/this morning to avoid me, not answer my calls, not answer my text messages and instead of trying to keep me calm, his attempts came out as more of a scolding or a "you need to just get over it" type of attitude.

This trip has really opened up my eyes and I am leaning towards moving as much as I can out of this apartment tomorrow. The fact that I'm so serious about leaving and have wanted to leave in the past doesn't phase him at all. I guess that right there should be a big sign that I'm wasting my time here.

I don't think I want to be married to this person who found it so easy just to leave me in the fucking dumps while he went out to dinner and was drinking and having a good ol' time. He says I don't give him the opportunity to prove that he's changing but as I originally thought, this trip is doing more harm than good to our relationship and what's worse is that he is just too damn busy to care.

I feel nothing but resentment towards him right now and I honestly just want to leave him because this isn't right. Everything heading in this direction happened very slowly over the past couple years but now I see, everything I thought about Ian, all of the fears that I had, were correct. How can you invest so much time with someone, tell them you love them, move in with them...and treat them so horribly? And be so neglectful?

What on earth did I do to deserve this person to be in my life? How come he can't see how much he has hurt me and why won't he do anything to make it up to me?

I'm not here asking for the fucking universe, I'm just asking for some respect and kindness and generosity - things you're supposed to give in a relationship. But apparently, it's just become too difficult for him to make that effort and it's become too difficult for me to walk around with a broken heart every day that I'm waiting for him to put back together.

When you love somebody, this is not how you treat them.

alone

It's the second day and things are already not going well even though it isn't even 7 a.m. yet.

I woke up in the middle of the night, sweating, could barely breath, had a nightmare about Ian. And suddenly, I found myself just crying...just sobbing into the pillows like a child on punishment.

Every time he goes on a trip by himself, I fall into a depression. Because I've been severely depressed before, I know what it feels like.

Figuratively speaking, I feel as though I'm stuck in this dark room and I can't find a light or the door. I just feel alone. I've felt alone, even with Ian being here but this feeling is so different from that.

I'm trying my best to keep myself busy. I cleaned the kitchen last night and there are still more things I want to clean like the microwave and the fridge. Today when I get home from the gym, I was planning on cleaning off my desk, which has been a mess ever since we moved in. Because my friends are coming over tomorrow, I have to clean the entire apartment. But I find that when I'm actually allowed to stop and think, when I'm not watching things on Netflix or youtube or cleaning like a maniac, I get so sad.

I don't know what I'm doing here. I don't know why I have decided to put up with all of this crap that I take on a regular basis. I don't feel and I haven't felt for a while now, that our relationship is equal. At some point, I'm going to have to make a decision...I can keep putting up with this shit with the small hope that Ian will turn his lifestyle around or I can leave, suffer for a few months and cry it all out of my system, and then pick my life back up.

I'm lonely. I don't know how I became such a lonely person but I am. There are definitely times when I enjoy being alone but when it's forced like this, when I have no other choice but to sit in silence with my thoughts and ideas, I just get so sad.

Later on today, I'm sure I'll find the motivation to work my ass off (literally) at the gym and I'll feel better after that but at night, it's so quiet and dark. And like a small child, I'm terrified of going to sleep because I know he's not going to be there, talking to me, holding me, trying to get a good hold of the blanket before I steal it from him in my sleep during the night.

I am truly thankful for all of my friends who are always supportive of me and are there when I need them. Juan has agreed to spend the night tonight so that I'm not alone and I'd say that if tonight's sleep is similar to last night's, there's a good chance I'll end up sitting in the living room with him even though he'll be asleep.

I'm angry at Ian for not keeping in contact with me like he said he would, for not going on skype so we can see each other, for probably going out and not even telling me. I told him that it's the fear of not knowing. I'd rather know he's with this person or that person, or this bar or this restaurant than not know if he's okay. He seems to not understand or know how important it is to me, to know that he's alright. I care about him so much. I would cut my heart out of my chest if he needed it to survive but I often feel that the respect, love and concern that I have for Ian is never reciprocated on his side.

I have a lot to think about and I have a few days before I need to make any decisions but basically, I'm either going to move out while he's gone or I'll stay strong and stick through this like I always do. I'm just wondering when I'll reach my real breaking point.

Ian just left about half an hour ago. I sat by the window and cried after he left. Immediately after the door closed, both of the cats sat in the window looking for him, trying to figure out why I'm still here and why he's gone. Flynn, in particular, who is much closer to Ian because it's his cat that I got for him in December, is still looking around for Ian.

It won't be so bad because we need this time to have some space from one another but I just get so lonely. And it doesn't help that I don't live with my mom anymore, I'm ACTUALLY alone here. My alarm has been going off for five minutes and I'm still sitting here, not turning it off. Today my mom is coming over for dinner, I guess. I kind of just asked her on a whim - I was thinking about how shitty I'd probably feel tonight when I got home and asked her to come over to the apartment for pizza. Why oh why did I do that...

I'm actually thinking about calling her and cancelling and just telling her I'm sick or something. Will probably do that and just go visit her on Sunday.

I just hate being here alone. It feels unnatural to me. I tried begging Juan to come over here and sleep at the apartment but we already spend so much time together - we both go to the gym together, we work together, we hang out on the weekends if I plan something. I'm not annoyed by him, that rarely ever happens on my part but I know that I'm a tough pill to take...especially when I'm so lonely.

Gotta get ready for work now. I'll probably be blogging more than usual.